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Stanley Home Products
Granddaughter Jackie has forwarded me a list of
laws STILL ON THE BOOKS! Like dust-balls in corners, these laws were
made long ago, presumably with some reason in mind, and are currently active.
Theoretically if the authorities wanted to "get you", they could utilize them,
although in most cases they'd be laughed out of court if it got that far.
Comments in red are mine or Jackie's.
- Women may be fined for falling asleep under
a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
(Guess they could cook their brains...)
- A special law prohibits unmarried women from
parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
- If an elephant is left tied to a parking
meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
(Ringling Bros. must have been caught trying to park
- It is illegal to sing in a public place
while attired in a swimsuit.
- Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of
strapless gown. (Well sure, it would fall off!)
- Having sexual relations with a porcupine is
illegal. (Ouch. What spineless legislator
thought that one up?)
- It is illegal to skateboard without a
- When having sex, only the missionary
position is legal. (Not going to touch that one!)
- You may not fart in a public place after 6
P.M. on Thursdays. (So eat your beans and
cabbage for breakfast on Thursdays, please. Wait a minute - why just
- It is considered an offense to shower naked.
(For some people, that may be true...)
- You are not allowed to break more than three
dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
(I would certainly hope not in this house!)
- Oral sex is illegal. (No
- You may not kiss your wife's breasts.
(What about women other than your wife?)
- Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.
- Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither
shall proceed until the other has. (Try to
figure out that one!)
- Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
- It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a
lantern attached to the front of your automobile. (Note
- Children of incestuous couples are deemed legitimate.
- Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
- When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect
yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses. (Does
that mean you have to take the actual weapon away from the criminal and use
it on them?)
- It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. (Note
A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a
The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main
Street bridge in Little Rock. (Odd. Talk about
holding back the forces of nature - "Take that, ole river!")
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of
a tavern, school, or place of worship. (How do
they punish the animals? Hee Hee!)
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour (How
do they punish the car?)
Liquor stores may not sell milk. (Right.
Somebody might get confused, heaven forbid.)
Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100
You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by
praying for him/her. (Bet the medical community
loves that one!)
Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to
habitually kiss other humans.
The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415..... (What?)
It is illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public.
One could land in jail for up to a year for making a false
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank
teller with a water pistol. (Be sure you
take along bullets, buddy...we don't want any wet tellers.)
Birds have the right of way on all highways. (Road
runners? Beep, beep.)
No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is
responding to an emergency call. (Party-poopers!)
From Jackie: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Can you believe some
of these!!! Thought it was pretty stupid and funny. Hope you enjoy."
Note #1: Some years back the Miami Herald
printed a list of outdated laws. One states that a motor vehicle cannot
drive down Flagler Street (the main drag that bisects north from south and
originates downtown, extending to the Everglades) at night unless someone
precedes the vehicle on foot waving a lantern. I can image traffic tie-ups
all the way to Naples if they tried to implement this one! These and laws
similar to those above were presented to the legislature, and they were asked to
clean the books. But as I recall, it was determined it would take several
years and a number of special sessions to do it, so they're mostly still
Note #2: Son Mark moved to Tucson, Arizona over a
decade ago. Shortly after arriving he was walking downtown and began to
feel extremely strange. He went into a business, I believe a hotel,
and the person there without a pause just sat him down and gave him water.
It was explained to him that they had to do that with newcomers all the time.
Usually the temperature is so high and it's so dry (except during monsoon
season) that it sucks the moisture right out of a body. They don't even
use air conditioners, but instead, something called "swamp coolers".
Mark explained that they work by evaporation alone, and cool fine except during
rare rainy spells when it's also hot, and then everyone suffers terribly.
This is one law that actually makes sense and has undoubtedly saved many lives.
Note #3: Another law left over from a time
of ignorance. When I was young,
every shoe store had an x-ray machine. As I recall, many
required a nickel per use. You tried on your new shoes, stepped up on a
platform and stuck your feet under a ledge and you could see your bones and the
outline of your shoes. This presumably helped parents figure out if the
shoes fit. Later the dangers were realized - leukemia and other cancers -
and laws were passed in most states banning the machines. Sorry, Jackie,
you had to have been there. This one also makes sense.